The EPA has busted in and messed with two businesses I used to work at. They charged the owners with stupid regulations and expected more than miraculous results. “You guys work on cars? When that oil comes out we want you to turn it into vegan-safe tofu to export to Kenyan refugees.” Normally I’m all for environmental neutrality but the EPA has its priorities flipped upside down. Case in point: human remains.

Every time we shove someone in a funeral home they’re coming out stuffed full of toxic chemicals and wrapped in a fire resistant stained and gilded box. Then we drop that bad boy next to a ton of others and ignore it. Seriously? No to-do about all that wasteful use of space and dropping death bombs into the earth? Not to mention how ridiculous it is to waste a human body. Now imp not saying we should soylent-green all the corpses but there has to be a middle ground. If someone says they want to be buried at sea just don’t burn them first. Let their body float off and feed a few fish or store some flotsam dwelling crustaceans. We could weigh the person down and it’d be like those whale corpses that spawn whole ecosystems. Imagine how great potter’s field would look with some humans composting that soil. Instead of just rows of tombstones and manicured sod you could have an entire garden. For the people who stand on ceremony and memorial we could have a monument at the entrance where we engrave names. A nature hike could take you through the entire garden. Maybe we could have monuments throughout like placards at state parks.

As for cremation I think some reform could keep that tradition around. I’m thinking something between making more efficient people cookers or some type of bio-fuel. I haven’t given enough thought to it and imp not sure how I feel about collecting remains at home. There is some romantic appeal to having that person still near you through their ashes. I read somewhere you can get compressed into a gemstone. I remember for a while thinking if I had the cash it be cool to have a statue of myself with my skeleton inside, or just a bust of my head with my skull inside.

I’m pretty interested in some feedback on this, especially if you work in the funeral industry. That or what you want done with your body once you’re done with it.


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